keep walking
by Lily10
Summary: Hating is a lot harder than Tifa thought it would be. [AKA. What kept Tifa going throughout the game]


**Title**: Keep walking  
**Characters/Pairings**: Tifa, hint of Tifa/Cloud

**A/N**: Feedback would be appreciated :)

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Tifa has always been what you would call the maternal type.

It started at six years old when she went with her mother to visit a friend of the family's. It was the first time she saw a newborn and it stirred something in her the moment she laid eyes on that little bundle of softness.

"Oh please mama, can't I hold it? Oh please, please, please…"

And when they let her, she'd marvelled at how light the baby was; like it weighed nothing at all. She found herself gazing solemnly into huge blue eyes that knew nothing beyond light, sound, and touch. Tiny peach fingers clenched a fistful of her long chocolate hair and Tifa wanted to hold it forever. Tifa wanted to press it against her chest and listen to its heartbeat and love it unconditionally forever and ever.

"I can't wait 'till I have children of my own!" She declared as they walked the short distance home.

"Tifa," Her mother said in such a sad voice that Tifa never brought up babies again, "You mustn't be so eager to grow up so fast."

**xxx**

The gash between her breasts make it hard for her to move or breathe and so Tifa lies very, very still in a pool of spreading blood. Sephiroth's sword had opened her up like ripe fruit but she can't tell the difference between the pain on her chest and the pain inside.

Someone is running and the loud, pounding footsteps stop momentarily beside her. She finds herself looking up at Zack and wishes she had enough energy to spit.

'_I'm sorry,' _says his eyes, pitying. A silent plea for understanding

'_Fuck you,' _she hopes that even through the bitter tears in her own eyes, he can feel her anger. It felt good to blame. To hate.

And then he is darting past her, sword raised. Left alone again on the cold floor of the reactor, Tifa realizes quite suddenly that she is probably going to die. It doesn't scare her as much as she thought it would-- it was just sad. So, so, sad, because she is only fifteen years old and she has never married or traveled the world or got drunk or fell in love or learned how to swim or _been a mom_.

**xxx**

Tifa learns quickly that Midgar is very, very different from Nibelheim. Sometimes when living in the slums got too hard, she would curl up into a ball and think, '_I worked hard Papa, I worked really, really hard, so can I rest now, please? Mama, I'm so tired. I'm so tired.' _

But then she forces herself to remember Sephiroth's cold smile, and papa's corpse and the screams of the villagers and fire eating the home she loved most on this Planet-- and the familiar ice has wrapped itself around her heart again. She is not dying, not yet, not if she can help it. There are hundreds of different lives she must live on to take revenge for and she makes a list in her head, from papa all the way to the old man who used to work in the inn.

It makes her walk on. It's what's keeping her moving.

**xxx**

She did not know Biggs, Wedge or Jessie very well but she rubs at her eyes nonetheless because she remembers how Wedge had been looking forward to her cooking that evening. "_Sorry," _Tifa whispers to the twisting hunk of metal that was once Sector 7. She thinks if she could see their eyes now, they would be saying, "_Fuck you_."

She keeps walking.

**xxx**

Aeris dies and Tifa adds her name right under _Jessie_.

**xxx**

Hating is a lot harder than Tifa thought it would be. It requires too much of her being and she is tired of it. Tired of remembering just so that she can justify the means. Tired of that little bit of ugliness resonating inside her ribcage. Tired, tired, tired. But it's also hard letting go. Because then what will keep her walking?

**xxx**

Cloud falls into the Lifestream at the Northern Crater and for the first time, Tifa stumbles.

**xxx**

No one is surprised when she decides to stay behind in Mideel. Barret pats her on the shoulder and says, "Take care of him, Tifa." But she can tell that he wants her to..

_Ain't no _gettin' _offa this train we're on, Tifa, we have to keep moving, have to, have to, what about Shinra, what about Sephiroth, what about the goddamn planet, huh?_

Screw Shinra. Screw Sephiroth. Screw the goddamn Planet.

In the corner of the clinic, Cloud is bobbing his head and drooling but there's no place Tifa would rather be.

"You must really love him," says the nurse.

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End file.
